


Treats Best Left Uneaten

by Actual_Writing_Trashcan



Series: Colossus Hyperfixation Collection [66]
Category: Deadpool (Movieverse), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, HAPPY SPOOPAWEEN!!!!, I HOPE YOU ALL GET LOTS OF CANDY AND SPOOPS TONIGHT!!!, also all the russian snacks mentioned in this a real, also yeah this has to be rated t, because of some mentions of sex things, i researched them, russia is weird, that's the real message of this series, you and piotr are just a couple of dorks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 19:24:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21258401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Actual_Writing_Trashcan/pseuds/Actual_Writing_Trashcan
Summary: You learn some horrifying, unforgivable information about your boyfriend while the two of you get ready for a Halloween costume party.(Alternatively titled "Russian Cuisine is Weird, Man.")(Set before "Questions and Answers" and after "Tricks! Tricks! Tricks!")[All warnings in the tags, but basically no warnings for this one.]





	Treats Best Left Uneaten

**Author's Note:**

> Russia, get your fucking shit together.

“_When there’s something strange/ in your neighborhood/ who you gonna call_?”

“Ghostbusters!” you sing along with your phone, half-heartedly bouncing and bopping around the bathroom attached to yours and Piotr’s bedroom while trying to get your hair in a bun. “Are you ready for tonight, baby?”

Neena had invited you and a couple of the other X-Men –and Nate and Wade—to a Halloween party with a costume contest. The prize was arguably mediocre –a date night basket with some popcorn packets and a couple b-list horror movies—but there’d yet to be a contest in life you didn’t want to win, so you and Piotr had signed up as a couple.

And, even if you didn’t wind up winning, the two of you were still guaranteed to have a magical night as Cinderella and Prince Charming.

“I think we will both be more ready when we are properly dressed,” Piotr quips back from the bedroom. He tacks on a moment later, probably thinking you can’t hear him since the pitch of his voice has dropped, “I am ready to not listen to ‘Spooky Scary Skeletons’ for another year, though.”

You skip ahead in your playlist to “Spooky Scary Skeletons,” then cackle when Piotr groans –then double over, borderline howling, when he steps into the bathroom just to grab your phone and change the song. “Why do you hate that song so much?”

“My students play it nonstop during October,” he laments, sounding almost overwhelmed by the ordeal. “I could probably recite lyrics in sleep.”

You chuckle and pat his arm. “Almost done, baby. Then it’ll be nonstop Christmas music.”

“That, I am fine with. There are many types of Christmas songs.”

“Touché.” You try to get your hair to stay balanced on your head in a neat bun, then grimace when it does literally anything _but_ that. “Hey, babe, can you hold my hair in place while I bobby-pin it into oblivion?”

“_Konechno_.”

You help him get his hands in the right position and make sure he’s holding your hair tightly enough –he always errs on the side of gentle, given his size and strength—then start bobby-pinning your hair into submission. “Honestly, I’m looking forward to trick or treating more than the costume party. And, yes, before you ask, it’s completely because of the free candy.”

Piotr chuckles as he adjusts one of his fingers so you can slide a bobby-pin into place. “Understandable.”

“What’s this?” you gasp, feigning shock. “No lectures on healthy eating or nutrition?”

“Believe it or not, I do enjoy treats,” Piotr fires back as he rolls his eyes –which you can see in the mirror. “I just enjoy them in _proper moderation_.”

“As in, ‘never, also eat some kale.’”

“As in, ‘eat one or two and save rest for later.’” He laughs when you stick your tongue out at him via the mirror, and sticks his own tongue out at you in retaliation before continuing. “I actually think some of it is cultural difference. Russian food has heavy emphasis on savory and sour flavors. Coming to America for first time…” His voice trails off, and he shakes his head with a mildly aggravated sigh. “You use so much sugar in _everything_. And so many artificial… everything. That is why I avoid most snacks and treats. There is just so much junk in them.”

“That makes sense,” you agree as you test your hair’s hold before scowling and going back to sticking bobby-pins in every which way. “We definitely put an emphasis on mass production and all that.”

“No kidding,” Piotr mutters under his breath as he sticks a few bobby-pins into the back of your bun where you can’t see well. “Although, I will admit, Halloween candy makes me miss _syrok_.”

“Oh?” you ask, smiling at the nostalgic and slightly wistful expression on his face. “Do we have an equivalent of that in America?”

“Not that I have found. It seems to be European only –specific to Russia, Ukraine, Lithuania, that sort of region.”

“Gotcha, gotcha.” You do your best to hold still while he secures another bobby-pin for you, then opt to vent your rapidly building boredom by asking another question. “What is ‘_syrok_,’ anyway?”

“It is curd snack,” Piotr answers, still focused on trying to get your hair to stay where you want it to.

You frown. “What the hell is a ‘curd snack?’”

“Oh, you know, curd cheese and sweetener mixed together, then dipped in chocolate,” Piotr says, like it’s the most common knowledge thing in the world. “It is very good, actually. Sometimes, they come with fruit fillings—”

But you can’t process anything else he’s saying. You’re still stuck on—

“_Cheese…_ dipped in _chocolate_?” you exclaim, horrified. “Are you serious?”

Piotr blinks, seemingly taken aback by your reaction. “What? It is dessert. It tastes good.”

“It’s _cheese_ dipped in _chocolate_!” you repeat, aghast. You gag at the thought of someone eating chocolate-covered cheese and press the back of your hand against your mouth. “Ew! That is _so gross_! That’s nasty!”

“Okay, first, it is _sweetened_,” Piotr argues, catching your gaze in the mirror. “And it is curd cheese, which basically has no flavor of own. The cheese is just there for texture.”

“No! No, no, that’s still gross! Oh _God_, I’ve kissed a mouth that’s eaten chocolate covered cheese!”

Piotr rolls his eyes as you gag and retch –though the corner of his mouth still turns up in a smile. “You have eaten far worse.”

“I have _not_!”

“You eat Cheetos!”

“Yeah, and those aren’t _chocolate-covered cheese_!”

Piotr merely shakes his head and chuckles. “Just wait until you find out about _hematogen_.”

You blink, then slowly meet his gaze in the mirror as a sense of foreboding rises in you. “Dare I even ask?”

“It is Russian candy bar.”

“Okay, that’s fi—”

“Made with cow’s blood.”

Your eyes widen, and you turn around so you can properly look at him. “What the actual fuck?”

Piotr shrugs. “It is nutritional.”

“We have to divorce now,” you say, which makes your boyfriend snort and roll his eyes. “I’m sorry, but I am a woman of standards, and I cannot be partners with someone who eats chocolate covered cheese and candy bars with _actual fucking cow’s blood_ mixed in them.”

Piotr gives you an incredulous look. “‘Woman of standards.’”

“Hey,” you laugh as you poke his chest. “Having literally no standards whatsoever is still a standard!”

The two of you chuckle together, then Piotr hugs you against him and smiles down at you. “_Ya lyublyu vas, myshka_.”

“I love you, too, baby.”

His smile broadens, and he leans down to kiss you—

And you duck your head and press your hand against his cheek to stop him. “No! You’ve still eaten chocolate covered cheese! My lips cannot touch lips that have eaten such an atrocity!”

“_Bozhe ty moy_!” Piotr exclaims, laughing. “Are you serious?”

“It’s gross! It just is!”

“It is culturally normal where I am from!”

“And it’s gross where I’m from!”

Piotr gapes and shakes his head, still laughing. “Are you—” He drops his voice and points at you. “You have sucked my dick. More than once. _And_ you want to pour chocolate sauce on me and lick it off. _That_ is gross.”

“No, _that_ is sexy,” you retort, pointing back at him. “It’s sexy, and you just—”

Before you can argue further, Piotr takes advantage of your being distracted and swoops in, pressing a big, fat kiss against your lips.

“No!” you squeal against his lips, even though you’re laughing. You try and squirm away, but he manages to lock his arms around you before you can make your escape. “I’ve been contaminated!”

“_Molchi_,” Piotr mutters, smiling as he kisses you again and again and again.

“Ew,” you fake whine, even as you slide your arms around his neck and start kissing him back properly. “Chocolate-cheese lips.”

In the end, though, there’s not much you’re complaining about.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Halloween!!!!
> 
> Next week, we'll be back to our regularly scheduled content (which I had to prewrite because of NaNo) and wrap up the wedding themed stuff by the end of November! Fun stuff!!!
> 
> Also, be sure to stop by my Tumblr, master-sass-blast.tumblr.com, for an important announcement tomorrow! I'll be talking about the future of the CHC as a whole and some upcoming fics for the series; I'll also announce some potential fics for Piotr Rasputin x Reader and/or Frank Castle x Karen Page (not a part of the CHC) that I'm planning on doing at some point and essentially let my readers put their two cents in on what they want to see once the CHC is done so I know how to plan.
> 
> The announcement should be up sometime between 3-6 EST on my Tumblr, but in case you don't see it, I will reiterate the main talking points in the notes on next week's fic (and link the post so you can read it in full and check out what other non-CHC fics I've got brewing).
> 
> Thanks for reading, stay safe tonight, and have a Happy Halloween!!!
> 
> -The Author


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